In this thing on …?
VIEWPOINT
By RALPH HARDIN
Evening Times Editor ‘A re you even listening to me?” It was a fair question. And to be honest, yes, I was technically hearing the words my wife was saying to me, but I was actually “listening” to the Atlanta Braves game on TV. And I told her as much. Honesty is the best policy, right.
Realizing that what she was trying to tell me was (probably) more important than trying to get the Braves into the playoffs, I averted my gaze from the television to my wife’s somewhat scrunched face.
It was the application of a lesson I learned many years ago that I was reminded of recently in a discussion about how men and women communicate differently.
It was around 15 years ago when my wife and I were invited to a couple’s retreat by another couple of couples we had become friends with. Before you get any crazy ideas, it was put on by Bellevue Baptist Church over in Memphis. There were several sessions, with some being more memorable than others. I will never forget the well-intentioned but cringe-inducing session about sex and romance. Not that those aren’t worthwhile topics for married couples but I am shaking my head even now at how someone decided the best way to broach the subject was with a “Green Eggs & Ham” inspired sex poem. I can’t remember enough of it to include it here, but it did include the phrase “Do not do it in your socks” to give you an idea of what it was like.
There was also a session on “How to have a fair fight” that was pretty good. But the one part of the whole retreat that really stuck with me was a session called “Pink Microphone, Blue Headphones” and it was all about communication.
You see, according to the speakers, men and women communicate and express themselves in ways that the other often fails to comprehend (I 100 percent believe this). Sure, you might “hear” the words your significant other is using, but do you understand the tone, intention and nuance of what they are saying? It’s not even a matter of “listening” to what is being said. If she is speaking into a “pink” microphone but you are listening with your “blue” headphones, there’s going to be a strong possibility that you’re not really getting the message.
It goes both ways too. If he is telling you something with his “blue” microphone (that is, from the male perspective) and you’ve got your “pink” headphones (again, representing the female point of view), there’s a high risk of something getting lost in translation.
If you come to me with a problem, as you are telling me, I’m starting to formulate a solution. That sound right, right? Well, maybe not. Maybe the person telling you isn’t really looking for a solution. Maybe they’re just looking for someone to vent their frustrations to … a willing ear. “I don’t need you to fix this. I just need you to know what I’m dealing with.” That’s the message, not “I can’t figure this out. What should I do?”
Sometimes, it’s just about being there. Do you like advice? No, me either. What I especially dislike is unsolicited advice, something my wife excels at. Somewhere along the way, she figured out that there is a subtle but distinct difference between “You know what you should do?” and “You know what you could do?” That might sound dumb but one is telling me that I’m doing it wrong, while the other is offering a helpful suggestion.
It’s all about how we, as men and women, go about dealing with life. And this doesn’t have to just apply to your husband or wife. It applies to sons and daughters, moms and dads, and even the people you work with or do business with on a daily basis. This may be shocking to you, but that woman you work with or that man at church has a set of values and perspectives that also matter. Communicating with the idea that there might be some potential for “blue” and “pink” wires to get crossed can often help avoid arguments, misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
The cool part is, there’s no rule against swapping colors. Men, you can take off your blue headphones and put on a pair of pink ones. Not, like, all the time, but when you need to be able to see or hear things from a woman’s point of view. Same for you, ladies. Just because he’s got his blue headphones on doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to listen to you. It just means he’s a little more focused on his point of view right now. Pick up a blue microphone and talk to him in a way that he can understand what you’re trying to say.
Maybe we need red and blue microphones and headphones for politics? Purple microphones and headphones? I dunno. Maybe I’m mixing my metaphors …
