Summertime parenting: Family activities to do… (and not do)

Summertime parenting: Family activities to do… (and not do)

Will someone please tell my children that we are on summer vacation? They woke up at 5:30 this morning. On.

Purpose.

I love summer vacation. Last month, I spent several hours coordinating a summer calendar full of fun, local activities — none of which requires a 5:30 wake-up call.

Now I'm adding 'Camp Director' to my impressive resume. Because that's what it felt like, balancing six children's activities and a tenuous budget for 12 long weeks.

First, however, I blocked off Wednesdays as cleaning day — every week, much to my children's delight, you can imagine.

Of course, the five or so regular visitors from the neighborhood begged to help with convincing pleas and incorrigible insistence. And help they did, if by “help” you mean shooting water guns indoors and hand-squeezing orange juice all over my clean kitchen counters.

So for the following week, I

MES ‘Muffins with Mom’

The line moved quickly as moms and their kids picked up a plate of fresh fruit and tasty pastries at Marion Elementary School at the end of the recently completed school year. “Muffins with Mom” gave students and their mothers a chance to spend a little time at school and to enjoy a light breakfast together.

Photos by Mike Douglas

“The Marion Mom” By Dorothy Wilson printed up a sign for the door that said, 'Cleaning in progress. Do not knock.'

The next Wednesday, the neighbor kids saw the sign and did not knock. They just came right on in.

I never knew the depths of my cowardice until I had to face off with a preteen. It took about 30 minutes to finally convince her I was sincere — she couldn't stay while we cleaned.

I threatened to call the cops.

Seriously.

I'm sure the Marion Police Dept. would appreciate the chance to play dictator for a spineless housewife.

The exhausting and harrowing day reminded me of brushing my teeth while opening a pack of Oreos: It all seemed a bit pointless and short-lived.

Because just as soon as I would turn my back to scrub the human excrement from the bathroom floor, I would find baby powder blown across the living room in an ill-advised experiment involving air ducts and goggles.

However, one particular week, we managed to stay out of the house most of the week, spending our mornings at VBS and our afternoons outside.

I came downstairs Friday morning notably cheery as I thought to myself, 'Look how clean we've kept the house!'

At that very moment, I kid you not, a friend of my husband's greeted me from the office and said, 'I love y'all's house. What I love most about it is that it's not all clean and stuff.'

Sigh. I guess I have to scratch 'Housekeeper' off the resume.

But I'm still 'Teacher,' even in the summer. I can't help it.

The kids started calling me the Grammar Nazi when I made them repeat their sentences, switching 'how many' for 'how much' when necessary. Or changing 'I have went' to 'I have gone.'

But then they remembered my mom's affinity for all things proper grammar, and affectionately reduced my rank to Assistant Grammar Nazi–a title I bear proudly.

Except for the 'Nazi' reference.

I taught the fifth-graders a brief overview of World War II this year, iterating and reiterating names, places, and dates daily.

One morning, they correctly connected Hitler to Germany.

'And does anyone remember what type of leader he was?' I asked.

Fishing for 'dictator,' I foolishly prompted, 'Remember?

The D word?'

My kid's visage shifted quizzically as he intoned uncertainly, 'Damn?'

Well. That is the D word. He actually believed it might be right.

The same slyboots once provided an excellent example of a prepositional phrase with a smirk on his face: 'My balls are in my penis.'

I guess we will have to do an anatomy lesson at some point. But at that moment, my sides were splitting trying to constrain my laughter, bubbling up and threatening to spill over in an uncontrollable tide of detrimental incentive.

Then there's the daughter who adopted an annoying game from a friend. One day, she approached me surprisestyle from behind and shoved a daylily into my face while hollering, “Smell the testicles!”

After shaking the pollen from my eyelashes, I very calmly asked, “What did you say?”

“Smell the testicles,” she replied. “That's what [my friend] says.”

“I don't think she does,” I responded, a giggle quivering tenaciously at the corners of my mouth.

“She does!” she adamantly defended, pointing to the stamen. “See? These look like testicles! Like an octopus.”

“Ah. I think you mean 'Smell the tentacles',” I said. Which is only a little less obnoxious than “Smell the testicles” when accompanied by a pollen-laden flower smashed into your nose.

So close. But so wrong.

This is why I need a summer break. Preferably one free from anatomy references.

Here are some recommendations from our calendar: 1. If you haven't had a snocone from Jerry's on Wells Station Rd. yet, make it happen this summer. Just be sure to bring cash and be prepared to stand in line for a while.

There's no seating and no public indoors area, but the promise of soft-serve ice cream hidden in the “supreme” version is #worthit. 2. On the other hand, skip the terraqueous Mud Island River Park. Yesterday, algae blooms and various detritus engulfed the water feature. One son came away with itchy, ahem, “tentacles” from what I can only assume was an encounter with algae-eating insects that found their way into his swim trunks after an unwise dunk in the still waters.

3. Go to the movies! Malco offers a kids' movie every Tuesday and Wednesday morning at a reduced rate.

4. Take the kids fishing.

5. Attend local fireworks shows.

6. Attend a demonstration at the Metal Museum downtown or the Dixon Art Gallery.

7. Spend a day at the Memphis Zoo. Bring swimsuits for the fountains.

8. Enjoy a free summer membership to the Pink Palace, which includes admission to the Lichterman Nature Center, as well as reciprocal deals across America.

9. Go to Bass Pro Shops in the pyramid. Parking is free and so are fudge samples.

10. Catch a few Vacation Bible Schools in town, so you can get a break from all the parenting you've been doing.

Because, let's face it, summertime adulting is hard work.

Especially when your kids wake up before dawn.

Dorothy Wilson lives in Marion with her husband Chris as they enjoy all the adventures their six children provide.